Breathe…
We get into fights all the time. We get into those fights with our closest friends, siblings, classmates, even the shop assistant at the grocery store.
Conflict is inevitable.
However, you most likely don’t want this inevitable aspect of life to ruin the excellent relationships that you’re building. That’s why apologies exist. The thing about apologies, though; sometimes they seem to work, and other times they don’t seem to work.
It’s understandable to freak out if someone stays mad at you even after you’ve apologized. So, if you’re freaking out or know someone who is, then this one’s for you.
Sometimes, apologies don’t work because…
…it’s not pixie dust, and it needs to be said properly.
But, starting now, you can find out if you’ve checked all the boxes for apologizing correctly. When you properly deliver an apology, it can feel like a breath of fresh air for the person you have offended.
Sadly, there are so many easy ways to get apologies wrong. It’s not that you do not feel bad for what you’ve done wrong. Sometimes, the words come out warped and make the person you’ve offended feel worse. Let’s make sure that you’re not making any of these easy apology errors.
Your apology won’t work if you have apologized in any of the following ways;
- I’m sorry you feel that I sounded insulting (you’re indirectly saying that they’re to blame; they’re the problem, not you)
- I’m sorry (It’s an empty sorry, and your apology MUST be as detailed as possible)
- I’m sorry I came across as insulting, but you insult me sometimes too. (your apology started great until you introduced the BUT…)
- I’m sorry I sounded insulting, but you didn’t seem like you were getting my point at all (again, with the BUT… it shifts the attention from you and what you’ve done wrong)
What Makes Apologies Work?
Suppose you checked any of the boxes in the section above. In that case, there’s a high chance your apology won’t work. If this is your case, then the problem is almost solved.
Apologies require courage, and if you’ve said anything at all, that’s a start. But, there’s an ancient saying that the things that are worth doing are worth doing well.
An apology is worth doing, so it is also worth doing well.
An apology that works has the following characteristics;
- It expresses your regret.
- It shows that you accept responsibility for your actions.
- It shows that you are willing to change that disturbing behavior.
- It shows that you hope they forgive you.
- It asks how you can make amends.
If this seems like it’s a bit much, it’s not.
Here’s a killer apology that contains those elements;
I’m sorry I upset you. I want to make things better. I understand now that my words made you feel small and insulted, and I can only hope that you forgive me.
If someone’s still mad at you…
Apologies won’t always work like magic. This truth goes for when you adopt that killer apology too. The people around us react to apologies differently. Some people want to be left alone, while others just hug it out and tell you it’s OK.
Here’s what you’re going to do if someone’s still mad at you after you’ve adequately apologized;
- Forgive yourself.
- Don’t take back the apology.
- Show them how sorry you are with your actions.
- Don’t get defensive and blow that great apology.
- Give them space.
- Revisit it when you find an opening.
Breathe…
Your apology won’t click immediately, but it will click at some point. Great relationships go through the wringer often. As long as you are willing to refine your behavior and your words to reflect the lessons you’ve learned, you’re a great addition to any relationship or friendship.
If that person chooses to stay mad at you forever, feel free to forgive yourself, and let it go.
I hope this helps!